this is so exciting! Too excited for next
ones!
An advice column for those wanting for advice. They'll probably still be wanting for advice.
Ask me anything
November 27, 2012
November 26, 2012
November 25, 2012
June 15, 2012
June 14, 2012
Solid Advice on Duck Flight
J: Throw a duck, you’ll feel better.
Me: I’ve tried throwing a duck.
Me: Have to use baby ones.
Me: Adult ones have too much weight and fight.
Me: Best you get out of them is underhand tosses.
Me: Now, baby ducks… You can pitch them like softballs.
Me: Distance is an issue because of their lack of weight.
Me: As a bonus: They learn to fly faster.
June 13, 2012
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
I used to run up and down the hallway in my house with pick-up sticks while my dog would chase after me and grab the waistband of my diaper.
Now, in hindsight, it probably wasn’t smart to run with sticks.
June 13, 2012
"Your only course of action here would be to reverse stalk them back. Luckily for you, they left their names on the comic."
— me, on fb trying to escalate things quickly.
June 11, 2012
"Have you tried stimulating the vegus nerve?"
— me, at work.
June 10, 2012
Ideas I wish someone would steal and impliment
Me: You know those musical toothbrushes that play music via vibrations delivered to the jaw?
J: I do now.
Me: One should switch the music on them with instructions from God.
J: That would be very effective if personalized.
J: “Daniel, this is God.”
Me: Morgan Freeman needs also to be involved.
Me: Mass personalization would be easy.
J: We need a name for this product.
Me: I was thinking of making them look like the rest of the music playing toothbrushes with your name personalized on it so you don’t have people using your own awesome toothbrush.
Me: “MARY. THIS IS GOD. I KNOW YOU LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC AND PUPPIES. DON’T KILL IN MY NAME, OK? GOOD.”
J: SubMandible Advertising?
J: SubMandible Messaging?
J: SubMandible Prothletising?
Me: I’m liking the messaging name.
J: I want to see this happen.
June 6, 2012
Improving television one under aged actor at a time
Me: Reality TV show idea. Lock a bunch of kids in a McDonalds.
J: Go on.
Me: Call it “Lord of the Fries”
J: It’s rare that I am stunned.
J: I am stunned.
Me: Stunned that this hasn’t happened already?
J: Stunned by how much I like this idea. Also, how has that word play not happened yet?
Me: Also, no education on how to use the fry vats.
Me: Because… I needs me some drama.
J: I like that. What about compressing the employee training into 5 minutes? Speed talk the employee manual!
Me: First day they can actually complete a lunch hour rush, they get to escape.
J: Every one of these reality shows has a leader. What do we call the kid in the lead?
Me: Iron Chef.
Me: That, or Ralph.
J: Top Arch?
Me: Shift Manager.
J: Winner?
J: Winner.
Me: Hired.
Me: We can give the winner minimum wage and health benefits. In which by health benefits, I mean a free lunch card. BECAUSE EATING IS HEALTHY.
J: By extension, the cheaper you eat the more efficient your health care system.
Me: America is doing it correctly with $1 hamburgers.
J: We’re #1!
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